if i did what i wanted, why does it suck so bad. today out of all the days he had to introduce me to his friends, who, and i quote ” accept him the way he is” (like he’s a rebel or smth). i knew he could tell things were wrong, cuz i proposed the meeting (it may have been the 1st time) and i said that i really wanted us to talk. this expression, “we have to talk” always sounds menacing, so of course he could predict my intentions. i had to act natural(faking), so that nobody would note the awkwardness. for a couple of times i even considered dropping the whole thing off, thinking that maybe there’s still smth to save/give/repair/any fucking thing! but i guess i would have only deluded myself. so, when we left, i “declined” his hand and told him he’s gonna hate me. it was unexpected, but he assumed that i was unsure about things yadddaaaaaaa yaddaaa..
then, when i got in the trolley, listening to.. brmc, i think, i really felt like being in a video, imagining how i could easily kiss the guy sitting near me, and then just take off. i was in that nasty depressive state, when i could almost do anything to make it pass. but almost is the key word; i always stop to the thoughts.
so it’s done. it feels like crap. it’s like a reminiscence of another “wise” decision i took quite some time ago and that left me fucked up for a little longer while.
oh, well.. it is what it is.
